“Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced.” James Baldwin
Life loops, same struggles.
A vase broken, repaired, broken, repaired.
A precious treasure: each repair valuable, each beautiful.
Shards and glue, puzzle and chips, missing and patched.
How magical!
To know restore and beauty.
Sad the unrestored; breaking and crumbling; piles of rubble.
Spirit waits, collecting pieces.
A new friend explained why she was getting a divorce…
“I finally realized that I loved myself 30%,” she sighed, “and he only loved me 40%…and I couldn’t take the abuse anymore…”
I’ve meditated on this idea over the past months.
The truth was simple, her negative self-worth and her lack of self-love, along with many other self-limiting believes had “cheated” her into an abusive relationship.
In short, he loved her just a little more than she loved herself; and while it was enough to get started, it wasn’t enough to sustain her.
Maybe this story resonates with you? Maybe it’s your story too!
Maybe it’s not your partner, maybe it’s an abusive “friend” or a member of your “family” or another person in your life.
It’s taken decades to begin accepting myself, especially those broken and unwanted parts. I came to realize that lack of self-acceptance, self-worth, and self-love played a major role in all the relationships in my life.
Especially, the abusive and broken relationships.
The more I embrace all my parts; the more I have come to accept and be okay with the person I am.
It was this awareness, that the broken and unwanted me needs love too; that has allowed me to love myself more and from this love, embrace those broken parts of others.
It’s from my own self-acceptance that my self-worth has grown, and from this self-worth that my self-love has grown too; and, so my acceptance, worth and love of all those around me.
***
Journal and Meditation Practice
Spend time writing a list of those broken and unloved parts of you. Give yourself time to detail each.
Over the next month and without any rush; meditate on each, feel the emotions, and say “I love you too” as throughout the meditation.
Realize that all the parts of you, everything in your journey so far is what it has taken for your awareness to emerge.
In reality, these are not broken parts, these are lessons along your life’s journey; and it took those lessons to get you here.
Today, two experiences – similar places, very difference responses.
The first was receptionist was difficult and nitpicking; and while staying in the Moment, the Now, I was able to remain considerate, the experience took hours for a 10-minute endeavor.
The second, the receptionist was kind and upbeat; and while staying in the Moment, the Now, I was able to remain considerate, the experience took minutes for a 20-minute endeavor.
Likely, the first person was having a bad day, or the boss was critical, or something; and the second person was having a good day.
I was the recipient of both emotional states.
As the saying goes: “night and day.”
While I was “zen” during both experiences, I left the first bothered and the second uplifted.
The reality is that neither experience had anything to do with me: it flowed from their current emotional states.
In short, it was not about me!
Although, it was easy to create an internal narrative of an offensive encounter vs an amazing encounter.
This, my friends, is the greatest mantra we can repeat during such times and often throughout the day.
This is not about me.
When was the last time you honestly were still?
How did it feel?
Were you anxious? Nervous?
Did you pick-up your phone or turn on the TV or find some other distraction?
Were you actually still?
Did you mind go into overdrive? Reliving the past? Rehearsing the conversation, you should have had?
Were you consumed with the future? That something could go wrong or what someone might say or if you would be accepted or liked?
Were you actually still?
When you have a minute – at work, inline at the grocery, at the doctor’s office, in traffic, at the coffee shop – do you pick up your phone and death-scroll?
If you are watching TV – do you channel flip or binge watch or use it for noise to work or sleep?
By still, I mean, were you ok with being with yourself without any entertainment or input – just being.
It’s in being, the still, that you can touch the deepest parts of your soul.
[more later…]
“So, what do you do?”
How many times have you been asked that question?
And had the conversation devolve into a discussion that is nominally about the askers self-importance.
Yet, at the core of the question is a deeper question?
“What is my identity?”
Or rather, “Who am I?”
Are you your job or what you do? If it goes away, do you?
Are you your parents? Your family? Your schooling? Or training?
Maybe you’re your partner? Your kids?
Your religious affiliation or not?
Your political party or the other?
Maybe you don’t know how to be without your “you” identities…
Are you your successes or your failures?
Think of all the “yous” there are.
All the masks, all the actors you play and none of these are truly you!
And rarely if ever to you let anyone truly know you: the authentic you.
The you that is afraid: that you will not be liked or not be accepted or fill-in-your blank…
Why?
[to be continued…]
Everything I’m going to say in this blog is not new. It has been said before in nearly every culture and religion, and in every way humanly possible.
If there is any “new” message it might be this: it is easier to seek, than to practice.
I, and likely you too, live in a culture that is always “selling” something new and improved, and often for sale and profits.
For example, mindfulness is nearly a billion-dollar business. The word “mindful” appears as a selling point on a seemingly endless list of books, magazines, videos, and even in this blog.
Mindfulness is not new, and, in fact, it is free.
It takes minutes to learn and a lifetime of practice.
Realize that a different teacher or new technique will not make you or I more mindful person.
Practicing a few mindful techniques will, overtime, yield the results.
I can hear you saying, “it hasn’t worked for me…”
My answer is simple, “Have you developed a consistent daily practice?”
Each of us must discover what works and yet, few continue with the practice.
I read recently, that positive brain changes are medically detectable in only 8-weeks after beginning meditation; and continued practice has a lifetime of benefits.
Too often many want an immediate benefit without the effort.
It’s a journey, practice is a journey. And along the way, you will discover the real you, the true you; not the editorial-self, the actor you, that you live every day.
The reward is the peace of knowing yourself; and, overtime, the potential to be okay with the you, accepting yourself, loving yourself, the self that you have been hiding from.
It just takes practice. It takes consistent daily practice.